Gratitude

GRATITUDE FOR BRINGING THE LIGHT - There was no “happy” in my birthday this year. My mind went to the dark basement where questions flutter like bats. But you. You brought the light.

GRATITUDE FOR ANGER - When she comes home, the anger has congealed around her throat.
She feels vulnerable and sidelined. A second anger takes her back to childhood. The third anger spans the decade of her marriage....

GRATITUDE FOR NEW "WHAT IF" QUESTIONS - I sit with too many sad questions. “What if I didn’t get ill? What if money was abundant? What if I lose my ability to hold a pen and crosshatch?” I look at my life for evidence of abundance and new “what if” questions. Here is my starting list...

GRATITUDE DESPITE DISHEVELMENT - When I woke up on the first of January I felt feral, like I too wanted to jump the fence. On the second of January I felt stranded by my lack of energy. On the third of January I felt worried about making a living with this life.

PRACTICE BEING IN UNCERTAINTY - I don’t like this grasping feeling I have and yet here it is. I really, really, really want to know. We underscore the importance of developing a capacity to dwell in uncertainty, but in this moment my body bristles with frustration only a test result will soothe.

FOR TENDERNESS - The door to the scan room is wide and the steel door jamb looks like it belonged to a bank safe. The yellow “Caution Radiation” sign has me feel a bit uneasy. When the door swings open, a platinum blonde woman waves me in....

FOR CARE I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF - It has been more than a week and I still do not have an appointment for the swallow and breathing study. “Why?” asks a friend. “Just pick up the phone and make the appointment.” I shake my head. “I wish it was that easy....

FOR CHOOSING BACK - There is a strange logic that seeks something to blame, as if fighting that is a better use of energy than sitting with the unsettling knowledge that my world, our world, is changed. I don’t want this change, I don’t want this thing I have no name for yet.

FOR WHAT WE DON'T HAVE - We went to lake Erie on Sunday and swam for hours. But we weren’t alone in the waters. There were sneaky parasites looking to make their home in ducks. But because we are hot bodied too, they mistook us and burrowed into our skins.

GRATITUDE AND AVERSION - Today I get an MRI. The first one in my life! And I feel both a rush of gratitude and aversion...