Gratitude 24
...for all the hands that have helped me.
Gratitude 24/40
(written in November)
“I’m fine, mamma” I say as tears flow over my chin and collect on my woolen turtleneck.
My mom takes a breath on the other side of the phone, on the other side of the world. “Sometimes we need to be honest, Hanna. You are not fine. Ask a friend to drive you to the hospital.”
I would rather be receiving a call asking for help than making it. Stubbornness shoots through my bones, trying to keep me upright and able through the pain. My back has been in spasm for a week and, unrelatedly, my speech is starting to slur. The doctor suspects neurological damage and asked me to go for a scan.
I fear that my world will be changed by what I learn. I feel uncertain if I can make the co-payments. I bristle with the irritation of time spilt in fluorescent flavored waiting rooms. I feel the lull of avoidance, the turning away in hope that time heals.
It takes three friends and my mother to soften this willful independence. Soon my friend stops his car at the hospital, and I slowly swing my legs out. Soon I sign waivers and receive a wrist band identifying me as myself. Soon I cringe as I straighten my legs on the scanner bed. Soon I close my eyes as not to see the CT scanner hover over me. I think “I should pay attention and take this in.” But I don’t. I keep still, eyes shut, hands on my abdomen feeling my body breathe.
When I come out of the scan, I notice that some of the beige ceiling tiles are replaced by a backlit scene of a blue sky and green tree branches. Outside the Pittsburgh sky is a scoured pot bottom and the tree branches are bare. The nurse jokes that she wishes the weather outside was this good. I laugh with her.
That same day a patch of blue sky appears inside me as I receive the news that my scan is clear – whatever is causing my speech to slur didn’t show on the CT and it seems not be neurological damage. And the world view I cling to that requires me to be able-bodied and fiercely independent is softening as well. I’m learning to accept my changing health, my needing help. I feel a blue-sky full of gratitude for all the hands that have helped me in these two weeks of unrelenting pain and tests.
Tales of Kenji Miyazawa, Part 2
How about more stories?
Three more from Once and Forever: The Tales of Kenji Miyazawa, translated by John Bester.
To listen, click the “play” arrow at the bottom of the player below. The gray bars above the time code indicate different sections and stories. Click them to jump to any position in the audio.
Contents
00:00 – Introduction
01:36 – The Red Blanket
18:43 – The Police Chief
28:47 – Gorsch the Cellist
There's a movie! Gauche the Cellist
You may know Studio Ghibli, the famous Japanese animation company founded by Hayao Miyazaki and Isao Takahata. A few years before founding the studio, Takahata made a one-hour version of Miyazawa’s tale—much loved in Japan, rarely seen in the US.
I found a place to stream it!
Ohmagosh. It’s gorgeous. It’s painterly. It cares about music and character and story.
Music credits
Opening theme
Suki Kasih, by In This World
Red Blanket theme
Dojo Tradition, by In This World
Police Chief theme
Shrine, by In This World
Gorsch the Cellist theme
The Merry Master of a Coach, From the Studio Ghibli film, Gauche the Cellist
Outro
Siwa Oasis, by In This World
Poems by Gregory Orr
Maybe I could read you some poems?
Here are selections from Concerning the book that is the body of the beloved, by Gregory Orr.
To listen, click the “play” arrow at the bottom of the players below. Hold the cursor to see a series of short gray bars, one for each poem. Click them to jump to any position in the audio.
Music credits
Opening and ending theme
Photos of our lives, by Kit Keenlyside
Section 2 theme
102F, by Dario Benedetti
Section 3 theme
Tramp’s Dance, by Dario Benedetti
Section4 theme
Night Jam, by Federico Ferrandina
Tales of Kenji Miyazawa, Part 1
Maybe I could read you some stories?
Here are three from Once and Forever: The Tales of Kenji Miyazawa, translated by John Bester.
To listen, click the “play” arrow at the bottom of the player below. The gray bars above the time code indicate different sections and stories. Click them to jump to any position in the audio.
Contents
00:00 – Introducing the tales of Kenji Miyazawa
01:43 – The first deer dance
19:59 – Wildcat and the acorns
39:34 – The bears of Nametoko
Music credits
Opening theme
Suki Kasih, by In This World
Wildcat’s theme
Siwa Oasis, by In This World
Bears theme
Music recorded at a performance of Noh theater