An art installation with rubber fists on cable arms suspended in a boxing ring

Gratitude for choosing back

Gratitude 28/40

The MRI was much less scary than I thought. For one, I imagined it to be dark around me, but the inside of the MRI feels less like you’re in a coffin, more like you’re in a light box. I was also much calmer than I imagined I’d be. There is a lot to do while lying motionless.

During that time, a question came to me. “If I had a choice, would I choose to have some type of illness or be healthy?” Without missing a beat, I knew I would like to go back to being healthy in the way I was before.

Whatever I have, is most likely an auto-immune disorder. From what I understand this means that I have a genetic predisposition that has been activated by my lifestyle. I come from a mostly healthy family, and I’ve really tried to live a healthy life. I didn’t see this coming.

At first I found myself racing up and down the hallway of my past choices, trying to find a way in which I clearly messed up, a way in which I deserve this. Others have helped me find a reason too – believing the COVID vaccine is the cause and sending me COVID detox regimens. Or sharing with me that the Lord revealed to them that this is an attack of the devil.

There is a strange logic that seeks something to blame, as if fighting that is a better use of energy than sitting with the unsettling knowledge that my world, our world, is changed. I don’t want this change, I don’t want this thing I have no name for yet. And yet it has chosen me. And it has, most likely, chosen to be with me for the rest of my life.

With the limited choice that I have, I would like to choose this back. To say, “Welcome, this is weird, but maybe we can figure out a way to co-exist. Maybe we can partner up and aspire to thriving lives and vital worlds.”

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Image: An picture I took at one of the the art houses on Troy Hill. Please comment if you know more about the artist/artwork!