FOR CARE I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF - It has been more than a week and I still do not have an appointment for the swallow and breathing study. “Why?” asks a friend. “Just pick up the phone and make the appointment.” I shake my head. “I wish it was that easy....

FOR CHOOSING BACK - There is a strange logic that seeks something to blame, as if fighting that is a better use of energy than sitting with the unsettling knowledge that my world, our world, is changed. I don’t want this change, I don’t want this thing I have no name for yet.

FOR WHAT WE DON'T HAVE - We went to lake Erie on Sunday and swam for hours. But we weren’t alone in the waters. There were sneaky parasites looking to make their home in ducks. But because we are hot bodied too, they mistook us and burrowed into our skins.

GRATITUDE AND AVERSION - Today I get an MRI. The first one in my life! And I feel both a rush of gratitude and aversion...

FOR POSSIBILITY - The ENT doctor with his curly grey hair and grey eyes looks at me with tenderness. His face mask is shaped like a duck bill, which makes this moment more endearing. “Do you have people that care about you in Pittsburgh?” He asks knowing I’m an immigrant. “I do.” I say.

FOR ALL THE HANDS THAT HELP ME - “I’m fine, mamma” I say as tears flow over my chin and collect on my woolen turtleneck. My mom takes a breath on the other side of the phone, on the other side of the world. “Sometimes we need to be honest, Hanna. You are not fine.”